with your own penis?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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