I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
