U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
