Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
