Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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