Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
