after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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