whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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