so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
