can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
