I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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