In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
