Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
