feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
