this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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