I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
