Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
