Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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