he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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