Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i think my cat just said my name.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
