So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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