it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
