we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize