So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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