Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
