Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize