Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
