is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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