no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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