if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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