why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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