I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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