Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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