I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
