i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
