Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
