before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
