I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We just shotgunned beers for America
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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