I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
