im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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