we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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