Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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