OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize