my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
