you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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