Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
