He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
