Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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