Don't make out with my wife yet
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
