and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
