Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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