i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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