Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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