I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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