why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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